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This morning is dry and bitter…
Like the vague reminder at the back of my throat….
Strange how the dawning of truth makes you know you're alive

The havens of hyphothesis and constructed realities
implode and dissapate under reality's glare
the leafy labyrinth of fantasy is uprooted by a whirlwind of Knowing…
The air now buzzing with a newness...

and I can only smile at my naïveté
rejoice in my awkwardness
And celebrate the unabandoned and demanding nature of youth

My Insecurity

I'm tired of being left behind
I'm tired of being the odd one out
I'm tired of being shy and reserved
I want to be on your level
I want to be part of the crowd
I want to be as open as you are

Even if I am with you I still feel like I am not part of the deal
A friend has said, its not the quantity of friends it the quality
But every now and then I get this sick feeling I am just being used
I get the feeling of what am I doing here?
Why am I putting up with this?

I hate to think what you say about me to others
when I am not around
I think please show me how much I mean to you?
I think that I have done enough to show you that
I want you to be around me

Do I get too close for comfort?
Do you honestly believe that one should not get too emotional?
I'd do anything for a friend and I think that you would do the same
I'm attracted to your openness cause I think it shows me that I can be open
without being scared of what people might think
but that's not a reason for you to ignore me in a way that I feel I'm not worthy
I do think that you don't believe that I'm gay
I don't think that anyone else does either
Is that the reason why you get how you get

I'm tired of being left behind
I'm tired of being the odd one out
I'm tired of being shy and reserved
I want to be on your level
I want to be part of the crowd
I want to be as open as you are


When I think about you..
I am six years old…
lured...and devoured by a mystical fairytale…
as only a child
Can be…

When you cross my mind…
I am 16, heart and mind pounding… drinking vodka & smoking MJ
Vibrating with laughter and freedom

When I contemplate you

I am older..
Dipped in life's lessons..
Amused at it's salty lemon irony…
Irrational at my desire to understand…and control…
Yet…addictively preoccupied
And completely intoxicated with expectation…

You Say
Fiona Horsley

You say...
Don't go looking for love, love will find you
And if its meant to be it will be
But I have come so close and yet so far

You say...
Good things happen to those who wait
People come and they go
And this is something I know

But I say...
I can't wait for love to come my way
I've been waiting for too long
Everyone has someone else

You know, life is made up of promises
And we all get let down from time to time
Its something that we have to learn

You say...
Don't rush into something that is not really there
But who can deny what I am feeling
Maybe you are right
And I'm the fool
Is it infatuation?

Like the saying goes
Its too good to be true
But it might not be what it is
What am I to do?

I wonder

I wonder about your mind.....
The gateway to your body.

I wonder about your body.....
The gateway to your mind.

I wonder about your dark side
I wonder about your games.....
Creating a third person?
Creating a third sex?

I wonder how I fit into a game I don't understand
I wonder about radical acceptance.
I wonder about your fantasy,
I wonder what you're hiding?.......

I wonder if you know I need love not lust
I wonder if you know the difference?
I wonder who you are and what you want to be....
I wonder if you know......I wonder?


Silence is shattering
for in it -
the truth.

Hush. Hush now ...
        with your heart


There she goes again...
..the queen of Cool
princess of vulnerable..
my heart is scorched with warmth...

There she goes again..
wading through the motions...
Oblivious of her own light..
And my soul is stretched with joy..

There she goes again
and there is always distance
regardless of proximity

Here I am again...wondering
What is in this?



You make me want..
to liberate my passion...
and you make me crave..
the shelter you have found..
in the beauty of your expression...

And I ached with recognition...
as you exposed my denial..
And the undescribable light that you radiated..
invaded my core..
You have left me illuminated and exposed..
...yet infinitely moved and grateful

Sometimes When I Dare

Sometimes when I dare
I unlock the secrets within me.
For a brief moment in time
I bravely remember
Those days
When emotion was so uncomplicated
And love was so blind....
A day may come when I'll revisit
that journey
and I'll remember the sentiment
that yearns to change the things
I can no longer change
for love is fragile
like china....

Sometimes when I dare
I embrace your memories
And sometimes
I love you still

woman.... (I feel all grown up now..)

the streets look different tonight..
alive...and summoning..
waiting...almost nostalgic...
for the past?..waiting for
me and you to walk them like we
And the music that fills my head is deeply dark and heavy...

strange though...I have long felt so light and fluid..

I feel like being misled by Ms MJ...dancing with her... perhaps I will venture with her behind the purple velvet's been some time now...

tonight I feel a little older...

I ask you
Fiona Horsley

I ask you
What must I think now?
I ask you
What must I do now?
I ask you
What must I feel now?
So I ask you
To please speak to me
Tell me what is going on inside your head?
Tell me what is your heart telling you to do?

I ask you
Why are you so scared?
So I ask you, to let me in... into your mind
Tell me what your dreams are
Tell me what your fears are
Let's talk about philosophy
Let's talk astrology, let's talk about you and me
So I ask you... to just talk to me

I ask you
What must I think now?
I ask you
What must I do now?
I ask you
What must I feel now?
So I ask you
To please speak to me
Tell me what going on inside your head
Tell me what is your heart telling you to do?
I ask you
why do you feel this way
I ask you
Why are you so scared
So I ask you, to let me in
Into you heart... are you thinking of the past
You are just running away
Must I just not feel the way I do
I will find that hard to do

Love may come, love may go
What are we supposed to know
A true love comes once in a life time
For me to love you is not a crime

I ask you
What must I think now?
I ask you
What must I do now?
I ask you
What must I feel now?

If I Knew Then...

If I knew then what I know now....
I would not have said "I love you".

If I knew then what I know now,
I would just have told you I liked you.

If I knew then what I know now,
I would have taken things a bit slower.

But now I know all the things I didn't know then.
I know now not to rush things,
I know now that love takes time,
I know now that you don't love me like I loved you.

I know that the hurt will stop.
But something else I know now is that
You CAN'T lose something you never had!

Anonymous, submitted 14 February 2000

Into your kaleidescope depths I'll swim
...down there where in the blackness the sun fish are gratefully
illuminated by your fire...and

I will dine with the queen of your underworld... and
we'll drink whiskey with water as we swallow lust with love...

She'll show me sacred treasures and I'll learn the secrets of undisclosed lands...

And it is here where I will live in dreams...


...and again I drift into mindlessness...
what a strange surreal world this is...
...the full bodied red runs sensually along the canvass of my imagination...
and I conjure up melodies that are, were or are yet to be you and I...
...and the faceless souls that share my dinner table seem like mannequins with luminous eyes in this space invader type game...

I smile knowingly around... but am reminded that tonight it seems unbearably cold and the emptiness crawls along my sheets biting into my vulnerability...

...and so I drift into sleep... to meet and lie with the grinning vixen that is my subconcious...


Hurt... what is hurt
Is it an emotion or is it just a feeling.
Is it love or is it anger.

Hurt... how do we deal with with it!
Do we laugh or do we cry,
Do we show it or don't we.
What makes us hurt and why do we hurt others.

Hurt... where does it come from and how do we get rid of it.
Hurt... how do we let go,
Hurt... how do we feel peace and comfort,
Hurt... how do we search only to destroy by hurting.
Why do we open our hearts to get hurt!

Hurt... if its a feeling then why do we feel it,
Hurt... if its an emotion then how do we get in touch with it and be one with it ......

Don't Dance So Fast...
Author unknown, sent in by Craig Ballen

Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round,
or listened to the rain slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight,
or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down, don't dance so fast,
time is short, the music won't last.

Do you run through each day on the fly?
When you ask, "How are you?"
Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed,
with the next hundred chores,
running through your head?

You'd better slow down, don't dance so fast,
time is short, the music won't last.

Ever told your child, we'll do it tomorrow,
and in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch, let a good friendship die,
'cause you never had time, to call and say "Hi"?

You'd better slow down, don't dance so fast,
time is short, the music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere,
you miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift... thrown away...

Life is not a race, do take it slower.
Hear the music, before the song is over.


As I sit here
Knee deep in indecision
And starved of meaning..
I long….

Please Sir/God…can I have
some more….

Of what
I'm not sure…

Echoing off the walls of my doubting intuition..
Creating only raw need mystified…

'Miss- understood' amidst

My addiction…
A Euphoric cocktail of
champagne moments..
Caviar discourse…
And warm chocolate dipped desires….

I stretch the seams of my sanity with society's…mandatory mundanities….

Broken Heart

Misty forest
damp ferns
steaming ground
dreams of you

Misty dreams
damp palms
steaming heart
dreams of you

Misty feelings
dampened heart
Broken dreams

Broken heart


I used to be so mixed up about love, true love.
In all heart felt ways, I tried to work it out and yet all I needed was good conversation.

I met someone the other day, I fell in love and didn't quite know what to say.
She gave me my smile back all through our good conversation.

Our love has become so deep that not even the universe can come between us.

Since her and I met my life has never been the same,
She has shared my sad moments, she shared my happy ones to... she even accepted my mixed emotions.

She is my something new, my beginning and ending.
She makes me quiver deep down inside and it's not my imagination......

It's love without all the frustrations.


As you
Teach me
Your tricks…
Transporting me…
Contorting my
Until it responds to
your wet sounds…
like frenzied moth to
warm flame…


She walks in
And she intoxicates me with her
I watch closely as the etched features orchestrate Makeshift conversation ... and time moves slower ...

I am falling, fixated as a small wild animal in her wide headlight eyes
Radar locked ...
I clutch my glass of red for fear it might evaporate in the heat of my thoughts and rip my focus away to settle on the once impartial flame that centers the table.
I watch mesmerized, the wax slipping sensually down as the candle finally offers itself to the darkness.
The night
Near complete
swollen with possibility
Knowingly ...
She oscillates forward and backward, a tormenting tide
brazingly aware of it's momentum
Ever ebbing and flowing
Pulsating to the ancient rythym of my complete attraction.

Do you understand?

You don't understand:
The hurt I feel when you look at him,
Touch him,
Kiss him

You don't understand:
How I miss your touch
Your voice,
Your eyes
Do you think of me much?

We shared special moments
Do you remember?

I know you need me
You know I need you

I tried not to love you
I knew he would woo you
But, I do love you

Such a shame
I cannot have you
I would be to blame
Two women together?
What a shame!

No matter
I will wait in pain
At the end we will be together
I can wait for that gain

Do you understand?
Do you understand?

I love you.


Sometimes, when proverbs have been moulded,
it feels the poetic sculpture was always a

I exhale arrogant air :
I am God ? :
After every tear my womb cries in your cells
for your consumption ?
for my relish. ...

I inhale the humble realisation of good.


The colon in my word
is a revelation of me :
... de ja vou ...

The revelation of the perception.
True, the expression of the concept.

Undressed by the strong hands of metaphor,
preparing the naked body of thought
for the truthful intercourse.

The colon in my word is a necessity.
It is the crutches of my explanations.
Without my colon :


I am gay

My ovaries labour to no avail

I am gay.

She jokes our type need to wear gloves
to cover our shame.

We are gay.

But the open door closes so many.

In my cup of tea I read a day with an Angel
whose wings I knotted.
No, not in the cup,
but in the fragrance of chamomile.
In the intensity of my awakening,
in the flaming finality
heap the ashes of

My Burning Desire
Fiona Horsley

Sometimes I can't even look at you
and I hang on every word you say
Sometimes I think of what I could say
but I'd get all tongue tied and twisted

but my burning desire
wants to reach out and touch you
my burning desire
wants to tell you how I feel

sometimes I can't stop looking at you
and I get that funny feeling inside
sometimes I think what if I made my move
but I'd know that I'd hesitate

Its so easy for me to fall in love
and its hard for me to fall out
I fell so in love with you
but you're with someone else
and my jealousy crept its way in
but I'll just let it be
or I'll be living in sin...

but my burning desire
wants to reach out and touch you
my burning desire
wants to tell you how I feel

You remind me of...
Debbi Lonmon

You remind me of water
Maybe because you told me you like to swim
But I think it's more than that.
Sometimes I look into your depth
Only to frown at my own reflection
Frustrated because I wanted to see deeper.
Sometimes I look into your depth
And embrace this fascination
Of getting just below the surface
To your safety nets.

You remind me of the moon
Maybe because you told me you like to keep your distance
But I think it's more than that.
Sometimes I look for you in the night sky
Only to wonder why the evening is so cloudy
Irrational because I wanted to see the universe
Sometimes I look into the night sky
And lose myself in the stars
And the planets and the space
Of your energy

You remind me of the sun
Maybe because you told me that you like the out doors
But I think it's more than that.
Sometimes it's so bright that
I cannot look directly into the glare
Bothered because I can feel the heat but I cannot touch it
Sometimes it's so bright that I can't control
How it lights so many parts of me
That wanted to belong to you.

Rhetorical Reality

And, after
The harsh words were
I wonder ....
What do I do now
Where do I turn
Why am I at this gate
Where I'll lie down
To sleep
Awaken with the pain
Of yet the same day.
Am I 
The only one
To blame??
Is the possibility, the process, the path of
Change an
Uphill oneway street
Enough for
Me? ...


I lose my way, on my way to sleep.
And it's another late night.
My ability to recognise the
simple blatent breakthroughs is of no
use to me.
The peace in the clarity I ignore.
The re-affirmation
I repeatedly cast aside.
the logical answers
I dismiss.
the promises I make to myself
I disregard.
the pep talk I give myself
I file under "useless" information.
the love I pick myself with
is fickle.
the trust I have
is insecure.
the company I keep
is lonely.

and only I 
know all of this ....
you see;
I keep it that way? ...

am I afraid
that if I'm happy
I'll leave you???


because, you see,
to love you
is to leave you.
to leave you

is to love me!!!

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